あなたが懐かしいです

I long for the days of years past. 5 longs years to be almost precise.

Laughing carefree. Creating havoc wherever we went. We didn't care what happened. We were enjoying life, being troublemakers, trouble youth. But we were together, we were close and almost never separated. You were the one I called every time, who was there to laugh and cry. Our moms would always call eachother to see who was at who's house, and if they were ever going to come home ha. But we didn't care about the world. We enjoyed watching our first anime. Watched each other grow in and out of awkward phases. Kept secrets we knew would eventually get out. Shared fights that would only strengthen our bond. Even when we faced our worst fight, we overcame it, both feeling heartache everytime someone on either's side would lash out with harsh words at the other. Then you met that man who would be your other half, and I was so happy for you, Even when we were separated by thousands of miles. We'd still gather what money we could to buy phone cards and call eachother everyday. I'll never forget the call that I felt I had to take and left the class to hear your voice on the other end asking me to guess what had happened... I thought I was only joking around when I asked if you were pregnant. I watched you grow up through photographs, from this crazy wild child to a young mom. I had to admit I was jealous and sad I couldn't be there like your friends overseas. But those are the days I missed, the days before we started drifting further apart.

The calls stopped coming, slowly trickling down to internet conversations, then to comments online every now and then.. and stopping. Sometimes I felt sad when I saw all the pictures you posted online. Like I was missing out on the best years of your life, everyone around you was getting to share in you raising your first kid while I sat on the sidelines hoping for a call, hoping you'd let your child know what friends we had been. But then I'd sit back and realize how were both growing up in separate worlds, me with my friends and you with yours, and maybe you were wishing we were closer, that my friends were lucky to have me. I just wish we would be as close as before. Everytime we meet now face to face, somethings missing. I feel like you don't care whether I'm there or not, that I'm just someone you can call up when your home who comes running to accompany you somewhere. Or someone you can email when you need some kind of computer graphics done. Even when I go to extra lengths to spend money on a flight to visit you when I don't have that money anymore, I can feel worthless the whole time in your presence. And I know you probably don't even notice my feelings. Though I know you feel the distance seeping further. Your life and my life each grows and changes us, we can't help the passage of time. But I wish you would notice my efforts sometimes, I wish you would notice the pain I feel when you ignore me for your new life. Because you are my best friend, someone I've talked to and shared things with that no one will ever know. Even if I'm quiet, you know me best and should know that I am feeling something even if I'm not showing it. I want to still be part of your new life, so I wish you would let me in again. Please don't forget to call me when your home, even if it's just to go to run errands with you. I've known you more than half my life and I would still like to know you for another.

私のこの体

This body of mine always seems to not function properly. And I love those people that say it's mind over matter, I'd like to try to see them put that into use when in my body. This asthma seems to be the trigger to everything, it's like a domino effect..

I start having trouble breathing, for those who haven't experienced the joys of asthma, try to imagine breathing in as deep as you can and nothing happening.. it's like no matter how hard you suck air in, nothing can expand your lungs. If a regular person holds their breathe, that constricting feeling you get when you can't take it anymore. I feel that when I'm breathing in. And it's almost more annoying than anything, because your trying so hard just to do something normal people take for granted. My mom has serious asthma, so I think even if I hadn't gotten sick when I was a newborn to make my lungs so weak, I think I still would have had this.

What gets me lately is how everything is being caused cause my lungs are acting up, it gets hard to breathe, so I get anxious, have an anxiety attack, and lemme tell you how fun those are.. dizzy, nauseous to the point i'll either throw up or have diarrhea, sweating buckets because of how hot I suddenly get.. I'll always know an anxeity attack is coming because I will suddenly get so hot, it's literally so hot you feel your going to pass out or die, I can't even explain how hot it is...

Now if these things weren't enough my stomach is acting up lately, too much acid, making me sick every night. I keep getting migraines from my damn jaw..or sinuses. I'm always depressed these days. Sleeping pills because I haven't had a decent nights rest since I was 12, so I tried sleeping pills amongst the past year finally. And I have these intense periods that regardless of being on birth control all the time break through with intense cramps. I just can't get a break. I wish my body would just be normal. Why do I have to endure so much shit? I'm really tired of it. And these days I don't even want to go into the doctor. I'm afraid I'll be told I'm slowly dying of something. cancer. fsgs. something that runs in my family. I'm only 25. And yet I've hard to live with this body of mine and popping pills for it for 25 years. Whether it asthma, depression, anxiety, periods, stomach, sleep.

And I hate it. I hate this body of mine. I hate how I have to be the pill popper in front of all my friends. Can't randomly stay over at someone's house because I can't miss a pill. How many times I have to explain everything to my friends and watch that expression cross their faces. Hear them laugh about how many pills I take or complain that I don't need it. Trust me. I wish I didn't.. I mean who really wants to be on so many pills, what a stupid question. You think I haven't tried not taking these pills. Oh how I long for a decent body, a normal life.

家族

I think one of the worst things someone can do is to come back and live with your family after you've tasted freedom and built your own life.

Regardless, here I am having forced to move back home with my mom and grandmother, even though I am an educated woman with a college degree. Damn this economy. But I do find a little kind of job, which is to last a couple months ending in August, and now they have upgraded me to 'full-time' status.. even though they still pay me the meager $10/an hour as a 'intern' so they don't have to pay me a regular pay as with my college degree. So I satisfy my family, go full time, to make more money. But I happened to get sick today and miss a day and my family goes into freak out mode, bitching at me to get my ass up and go to work and am I dying blah blah. Really?? I mean really? If I weren't living here you wouldn't even know and yet your bitching at me. And it doesn't stop, it never stops, they will bitch about this forever. I just get so tired of not having freedom. Catering to them. I will live my own life the way I want to live my life. Sure I understand their worry over somehow I'd loose the job. Which mind you is a internship. Not a job. They don't understand how different those two terms are, they ask me if I want to work more.. they don't tel me. I can't really be 'fired' since i'm not really 'hired' I'm just there helping for a while really. Now if they decided to keep me on full time salary job, it's different. But they have not even indicated to do that when my time is up in August. For now, I work my ass off for them, they really have need of me since I'm getting the most done on this project than anyone else. Of course I felt bad for missing today, but I could easily doubly my efforts and stay later tomorrow to make up for it. I'm just so tired of the shit I get from my family who knows nothing.

Now I don't want to know what my mom would say that I don't have money left in my account, but am waiting for my paycheck to cover my bills instead of the money she gave me. Since she wants me to pay for my bills come the 20th until the next 20th. I don't know what to tell her then, but we'll just cross that bridge when we get to it. Maybe I'll get lucky and my work will continue into august instead of ending on august 5th like they mentioned, then I would keep getting my paycheck at least to cover my next bills.. since the paycheck I get tomorrow will cover bills for the next week or so. We shall see.. I will be getting a full time paycheck after tomorrow.


Rain falls down upon my window like the tears fall inside my soul...

自由

What is worse than not having money? Having money.

I know what some of you are exclaiming right now. How you think that is ridiculous. But you really don't understand the meaning of this phrase unless you've gone through it.

I've reached the point that everyone reaches in their life, where you feel as if the world is moving around you... Your just standing still.

What little freedom I had achieved was abruptly taken away from me a few months ago, once you've tasted what life has to offer, you can never go back.. unless your forced too. Another F--- up on my part. How does one manage to go through $300,000 within 6 years, quite easily it appears.

You have to understand the type of person I am. I am someone who would give until I have nothing left to give. In fact sometimes it appears like I'm buying friendship. I feel some people wouldn't have stayed in my life it if weren't for the gifts I showered upon them. I am one who likes to give instead of receive, it's not something I complain about if I'm not given something back. The only problem I have with this trait of mine is that I have changed in the past six years, I've hardened and my eyes have opened a little wider with experience. I'm starting to see things I might have brushed off due to my black rabbit nature. I wanted so badly to be loved, accepted, not alone. Now I'm having problems with my choices. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling like I don't have actual friends, everyone feels like their fake to me now. I get lonely and huddle into myself when my friends forget to invite me places or don't call me for a while. Angry when people say.. the road works both ways. When they don't understand I need that phone call from them in order to accepted and fulfilled.

Though I hate the phrase 'If Only..." but I find myself using it quite often these days. If only I hadn't been so giving. If only I had not been given all this money so freely. If only If only If only.

I hide behind this mask of acceptance while inside I wither in loneliness and distrust.




Though everyone should know I would give anything to have my dad in my life, rather than having been given this money.

さびしい 黒 兎

I don't particularly find my life to be any more extraordinary than any other persons lives...

I've had my share of sadness. Regardless of my thoughts that I've shared more heartache than some, I know there are many people who have it much rougher than I. I've lost my father and my grandfather to cancer. A friend who shot himself. A school which was attacked. My own post-traumatic drama and psychotic episodes.

But all the ups and downs in my life shaped me into the person I am today... さびしい黒兎.


The Lonesome Black Rabbit.