What is worse than not having money? Having money.
I've reached the point that everyone reaches in their life, where you feel as if the world is moving around you... Your just standing still.
What little freedom I had achieved was abruptly taken away from me a few months ago, once you've tasted what life has to offer, you can never go back.. unless your forced too. Another F--- up on my part. How does one manage to go through $300,000 within 6 years, quite easily it appears.
You have to understand the type of person I am. I am someone who would give until I have nothing left to give. In fact sometimes it appears like I'm buying friendship. I feel some people wouldn't have stayed in my life it if weren't for the gifts I showered upon them. I am one who likes to give instead of receive, it's not something I complain about if I'm not given something back. The only problem I have with this trait of mine is that I have changed in the past six years, I've hardened and my eyes have opened a little wider with experience. I'm starting to see things I might have brushed off due to my black rabbit nature. I wanted so badly to be loved, accepted, not alone. Now I'm having problems with my choices. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling like I don't have actual friends, everyone feels like their fake to me now. I get lonely and huddle into myself when my friends forget to invite me places or don't call me for a while. Angry when people say.. the road works both ways. When they don't understand I need that phone call from them in order to accepted and fulfilled.
Though I hate the phrase 'If Only..." but I find myself using it quite often these days. If only I hadn't been so giving. If only I had not been given all this money so freely. If only If only If only.
I hide behind this mask of acceptance while inside I wither in loneliness and distrust.
Though everyone should know I would give anything to have my dad in my life, rather than having been given this money.
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