家族

I think one of the worst things someone can do is to come back and live with your family after you've tasted freedom and built your own life.

Regardless, here I am having forced to move back home with my mom and grandmother, even though I am an educated woman with a college degree. Damn this economy. But I do find a little kind of job, which is to last a couple months ending in August, and now they have upgraded me to 'full-time' status.. even though they still pay me the meager $10/an hour as a 'intern' so they don't have to pay me a regular pay as with my college degree. So I satisfy my family, go full time, to make more money. But I happened to get sick today and miss a day and my family goes into freak out mode, bitching at me to get my ass up and go to work and am I dying blah blah. Really?? I mean really? If I weren't living here you wouldn't even know and yet your bitching at me. And it doesn't stop, it never stops, they will bitch about this forever. I just get so tired of not having freedom. Catering to them. I will live my own life the way I want to live my life. Sure I understand their worry over somehow I'd loose the job. Which mind you is a internship. Not a job. They don't understand how different those two terms are, they ask me if I want to work more.. they don't tel me. I can't really be 'fired' since i'm not really 'hired' I'm just there helping for a while really. Now if they decided to keep me on full time salary job, it's different. But they have not even indicated to do that when my time is up in August. For now, I work my ass off for them, they really have need of me since I'm getting the most done on this project than anyone else. Of course I felt bad for missing today, but I could easily doubly my efforts and stay later tomorrow to make up for it. I'm just so tired of the shit I get from my family who knows nothing.

Now I don't want to know what my mom would say that I don't have money left in my account, but am waiting for my paycheck to cover my bills instead of the money she gave me. Since she wants me to pay for my bills come the 20th until the next 20th. I don't know what to tell her then, but we'll just cross that bridge when we get to it. Maybe I'll get lucky and my work will continue into august instead of ending on august 5th like they mentioned, then I would keep getting my paycheck at least to cover my next bills.. since the paycheck I get tomorrow will cover bills for the next week or so. We shall see.. I will be getting a full time paycheck after tomorrow.


Rain falls down upon my window like the tears fall inside my soul...

自由

What is worse than not having money? Having money.

I know what some of you are exclaiming right now. How you think that is ridiculous. But you really don't understand the meaning of this phrase unless you've gone through it.

I've reached the point that everyone reaches in their life, where you feel as if the world is moving around you... Your just standing still.

What little freedom I had achieved was abruptly taken away from me a few months ago, once you've tasted what life has to offer, you can never go back.. unless your forced too. Another F--- up on my part. How does one manage to go through $300,000 within 6 years, quite easily it appears.

You have to understand the type of person I am. I am someone who would give until I have nothing left to give. In fact sometimes it appears like I'm buying friendship. I feel some people wouldn't have stayed in my life it if weren't for the gifts I showered upon them. I am one who likes to give instead of receive, it's not something I complain about if I'm not given something back. The only problem I have with this trait of mine is that I have changed in the past six years, I've hardened and my eyes have opened a little wider with experience. I'm starting to see things I might have brushed off due to my black rabbit nature. I wanted so badly to be loved, accepted, not alone. Now I'm having problems with my choices. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling like I don't have actual friends, everyone feels like their fake to me now. I get lonely and huddle into myself when my friends forget to invite me places or don't call me for a while. Angry when people say.. the road works both ways. When they don't understand I need that phone call from them in order to accepted and fulfilled.

Though I hate the phrase 'If Only..." but I find myself using it quite often these days. If only I hadn't been so giving. If only I had not been given all this money so freely. If only If only If only.

I hide behind this mask of acceptance while inside I wither in loneliness and distrust.




Though everyone should know I would give anything to have my dad in my life, rather than having been given this money.

さびしい 黒 兎

I don't particularly find my life to be any more extraordinary than any other persons lives...

I've had my share of sadness. Regardless of my thoughts that I've shared more heartache than some, I know there are many people who have it much rougher than I. I've lost my father and my grandfather to cancer. A friend who shot himself. A school which was attacked. My own post-traumatic drama and psychotic episodes.

But all the ups and downs in my life shaped me into the person I am today... さびしい黒兎.


The Lonesome Black Rabbit.