This body of mine always seems to not function properly. And I love those people that say it's mind over matter, I'd like to try to see them put that into use when in my body. This asthma seems to be the trigger to everything, it's like a domino effect..
I start having trouble breathing, for those who haven't experienced the joys of asthma, try to imagine breathing in as deep as you can and nothing happening.. it's like no matter how hard you suck air in, nothing can expand your lungs. If a regular person holds their breathe, that constricting feeling you get when you can't take it anymore. I feel that when I'm breathing in. And it's almost more annoying than anything, because your trying so hard just to do something normal people take for granted. My mom has serious asthma, so I think even if I hadn't gotten sick when I was a newborn to make my lungs so weak, I think I still would have had this.
What gets me lately is how everything is being caused cause my lungs are acting up, it gets hard to breathe, so I get anxious, have an anxiety attack, and lemme tell you how fun those are.. dizzy, nauseous to the point i'll either throw up or have diarrhea, sweating buckets because of how hot I suddenly get.. I'll always know an anxeity attack is coming because I will suddenly get so hot, it's literally so hot you feel your going to pass out or die, I can't even explain how hot it is...
Now if these things weren't enough my stomach is acting up lately, too much acid, making me sick every night. I keep getting migraines from my damn jaw..or sinuses. I'm always depressed these days. Sleeping pills because I haven't had a decent nights rest since I was 12, so I tried sleeping pills amongst the past year finally. And I have these intense periods that regardless of being on birth control all the time break through with intense cramps. I just can't get a break. I wish my body would just be normal. Why do I have to endure so much shit? I'm really tired of it. And these days I don't even want to go into the doctor. I'm afraid I'll be told I'm slowly dying of something. cancer. fsgs. something that runs in my family. I'm only 25. And yet I've hard to live with this body of mine and popping pills for it for 25 years. Whether it asthma, depression, anxiety, periods, stomach, sleep.
And I hate it. I hate this body of mine. I hate how I have to be the pill popper in front of all my friends. Can't randomly stay over at someone's house because I can't miss a pill. How many times I have to explain everything to my friends and watch that expression cross their faces. Hear them laugh about how many pills I take or complain that I don't need it. Trust me. I wish I didn't.. I mean who really wants to be on so many pills, what a stupid question. You think I haven't tried not taking these pills. Oh how I long for a decent body, a normal life.
